she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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