I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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