Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
