the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
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