I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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