My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
