I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Randomize
