So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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