Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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