How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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