I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT