I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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