dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
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shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
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You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary