I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
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I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
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The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest