i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.