Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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