So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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