I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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