he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
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