it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
