You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
