This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
