Please, let me fuck your mom
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
