i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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