Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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