puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Randomize
