is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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