Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
