Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Randomize
