I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
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