I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Randomize
