You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
