i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Girls should come with a carfax report
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
