Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
