I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
