I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
