I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
My liver just had a heart attack.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
