Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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