I think I won the penis lottery.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
