Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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