yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
