You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
A bitchslap is in order.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
