My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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