Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
We got so high we made milksteak
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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