Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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