we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
