the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
