Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
