Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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