I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
