Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
