so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
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You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
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My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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