in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
