Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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