You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
