Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I need to calm my uterus...
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
