So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
