half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
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