I think i sorta joined a cult last night
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
