she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
