we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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