I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
