She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
