My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
