I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
